70/100 - food shopping

So. When you make large changes to your eating habits (have you noticed I've never once called this a "diet", by the way?? Thta's very much on purpose, haha) and start eating more healthily, there's often a lot more to it than simply buying/eating healthier food. For me, it's making sure I address all the mental/emotional aspects of food shopping, because believe it or not, comfort eating isn't always just about the shovelling food into the face. Most of last year or so, and in the past, I've gained pleasure from endlessly walking the aisles staring at shelves, taking in the bright and shiny labels, the colours, the pictures, and the slogans. When you walk the chocolate aisle in this state, you can almost taste the delights on offer, and revel in the fact you get to choose which item you get to put in your basket! Nobody can stop you, it's all down to you. It doesn't matter than you had a bad day at work, that you're going home yet again to an empty flat, that someone else defriended you on facebook (am I boring? have I upset them?), etc - what YOU buy, and YOU eat it totally at your control.

Of course, it's not. A lot of this is all down to having no control, but in your moments of - we'll say weakness, because despair is a bit melodramatic, telling yourself that YOU get to choose which cake you'll buy, and how much you'll eat of it (all), feels like a moment of security. But, it doesn't last. Filling the basket, I would put in some of my favourite treats: ice cream, cake, chocolate, onto the savoury things, selecting pork pies (the cheapest ones have the fattiest, tastiest pastry), bread rolls baked with cheese on top, thick packets of pâté, blocks of cheese... Anything, really. I went through a stage where I would buy a coffee and walnut cake, and a tub of whipping cream, then I would whip the cream at home with a few tiny drops of coffee essence and a little icing sugar added in, then cut a slab of cake and slather it in the whipped cream mix. It felt indulgent. I would have it three times in one day, and finish it the next. Sometimes the cake would finish before the cream, so I would stand at the fridge eating the whipped cream straight from the bowl with a spoon. Note, there's nothing that feels indulgent about that, it feels... horrible. But still, I did it.

I say this not to make anyone uncomfortable, and I really hope it doesn't, because it happens. People wonder how people allow themselves to "get fat", and really, it's because sometimes making those decisions about food is all about the moment - the here-and-now, who cares whether next week you'll weight 3lbs more? That doesn't even come into it. Psychologists have a name for it: compulsive behaviour. I definitely have a compulsive character - where you do things without any consideration of the future, just because right now you want to do that thing. With me, eating. With others, alcholism, gambling, nail biting, shop-aholics, and so on. You feel out of control, so you do something that right there, you "need" to do, to feel better.

Of course, that moment still comes, every time, when the shame, guilt and horror kicks in. But by then, you're hating youself so much that it's easy enough to comfort yourself from how you feel about yourself by eating more. Sounds daft, right? Well, yeah. What I worked on most of last year was how to stop this, and how to stop the negative thinking that associates, etc. But it was hard, still is, and my mind wasn't ready for change. I feel ready now - I feel like I started the year fucking READY, and although it's early days, not even a month gone, and I have a long journey ahead of me, it's going pretty well.

So, Sunday I went to the supermarket. (Please note, this entire post could be distilled into this last paragraph, lol, but then part of my recovery and growth is addressing things I've kept inside, and doing. something. about. them. I hope you'll forgive my honesty and openness.) I had a list (it's a recommended thing to do for people who want to lose weight) but of course as I passed shelves of yummy unhealthy foods, they still cried out to me. Plus the list was still fairly vague, inclding "something for tomorrow's dinner", and "meat", etc. I thought to myself that by now I was over 3 weeks in, and a "fat" day would be good for my metabolism (ha), so maybe I could buy a pizza, or a tub of icecream... I thought carefully about what it was I was thinking and feeling as I walked around the store, and I decided that instead of trying to stop those thoughts about the amazing treats I shouldn't be buying and tell myself "No", I would shift my thinking the opposite way. I went and stood in front of the fruit displays, and I took in the colours, shapes, scents, and variety in front of me. I selected some apricots, having not had them in a really long time, and appreciated their soft feel and pretty colour. They went in the basket. I picked out some cherries, which were shiny, plump and dark. They went in the basket. I even squeezed the melons (steady, boys). Then onto the vegetables, and again I stood looking at the variety on display, and the sheer colour. I picked out a few things (avocados, brussel sprouts, carrots, baby new potatoes, red onions, and broccoli) filling my basket now with colour, vitality, and decisions made with mindfulness. By now, I had no desire to go back to the 'junk' aisles, so I went to get the rest of the items on my shopping list: salmon, eggs, steak, chicken, herbs, and so on. As everything lay before me on the checkout conveyor belt, I congratulated myself - not for picking a whole load of delicious, healthy foods, but for addressing my negative thoughts quickly, and successfully. ...this time. Next time I go back to the supermarket, this 'game' all starts again. But you know what? I'm ready for it.