An all too familiar run

Saturday morning generally means parkrun, at Cramond in Edinburgh, and after volunteering last week, this week I wanted to try to get a PB for the 5km (approx 3.15 miles) course. However, as happens every. single. time I run it, my brain stepped in and put the barriers up, and lo and behold, I didn't manage to run the whole thing yet again.

I ran for just over 2 miles, before the harsh wind in my face got too frustrating and difficult to run through. Even as I stopped running and walked, I felt disappointed in myself - I knew that around 300 other runners had managed to run in front of me, so why did I 'need' to walk? I DON'T 'need' to, physically.

I've ran 5km without walking on only perhaps 3 or 4 occasions, and on perhaps 60 or 70 other occasions I've done 5km with walk breaks. It frustrates me, but I can't break through the mental barriers which peck-peck-peck away at me: "You can't do this. What a joke. Why are you even trying?"

This week, I did in in 36:50 - quite a familiar mediocre time for me, and nowhere near my 34 minute PB, or the target I set myself at the beginning of the year to get under 30 minutes by the end of 2012. It feels like I haven't progressed at all, over the last 9 months... Physically, of course I have, but mentally I still need to get my head sorted, but that comment is just as familiar as the mediocre efforts themselves. ...Ach. Grump grump grump. One day, I'll find a way to beat this. In the meantime, I just have to keep turning up, because I tell you one thing, I sure as hell won't beat it if I stayed home in bed. ;)

Finally, before the run this morning, one of the guys spoke eloquently and warmly about a regular parkrunner who had sadly passed away this past week, after a battle with cancer. She was only in her 40s, with two young children. He spoke about how much she had touched the lives of the people she knew, and spoke of her determination to keep coming to run when she could, and willingness to help out. I thought about that while I was running - it cemented a need in me to not let life pass me by, and to also live a more healthy life. You don't know what's ahead of you, and you need to grab as much from life as you can. So that's what I'll do.