Uncomfortable with positivity

It's strange; I'm trying so hard to stay positive and upbeat as much as possible, and yet it often feels wrong to me to be doing so. Mainly because people are commenting quite a lot on the 'difference', and it makes me question how I've portrayed myself over the years. I know a few people really revel on having a grumpy persona, like it's a special thing or some lovely little quirk of personality, and I wonder whether I've cultivated a ranty/sarcastic/miserable nature over the years. I've been told by colleagues that when they first started working they were a little scared of me, because I can be snappy and sarcastic in the office, and it strikes me that this isn't something to be proud of. I've also spent so long expecting the negative that when it's not there, I go looking. I'm making the effort to change, because I do think it'll help me deal better with days when I do feel a little down, but also because it's not nice for the people I want around me. (A nice wee rant is fun from time to time, though!!)

Anyway, I'm also dealing uncomfortably with knowing how to respond to people saying "it's great how positive you're being" - because my natural reaction is to say "oh, er, it won't last..." - eh?? Why am I feeling apologetic about being happy? I struggle with my mental approach a lot, so praising myself for dealing with situations better is one way for me to build a firmer base for the future. I'm quite liking it, but it feels like maybe it's fragile, like I can't quite believe I can keep it up - but dammit, I'm trying. I know I'll have more bad days, but the more I can change the way I react to things, the fewer bad days I'll get.

Last night, I ran home from work in the sunshine, and I actually just liked being out - the 5km run wasn't spectacularly well-executed, it included a bit of walking, and was generally a little slow, but I was smiling. And that's huge!! This morning, the sun was starting to shine again when I tied my hair in daft pigtails and pulled on my trainers, for a couple of miles run along the coast at Portobello before work - a combination of running in cold air, with bright blue skies and a bright sun low in the sky, and the sound of the sea breaking on the shore, just made me smile. I filmed a very short video as I ran, where I even hear myself gasp "aw god, it's so good out here!" and it makes me laugh - because to my unaccustomed ears, it sounds so silly. Why do I feel apologetic about being upbeat? I need to get better at this... But like anything, the more I practice being positive, the better I'll become at it.