Edinburgh Half Marathon 2015

photo courtesy D Mooney :-)

Okay, so where am I on my 2015 journey? I started the year unable to run 1 mile without walking after a very low 15-ish months, mental struggles, and a bit of weight gain, but with a new positive approach to moving forward. Five months later I'm 3 stone lighter in weight, and I have not only managed to run 1 mile without walking, then 5km without walking, then 1 hour without walking, then 10km without walking, then 2 hours without walking, but... *drum roll*... I have also now managed to run a Half Marathon without walking!

The magnitude of this still hasn't sunk in properly even now, two full days later - this is a huge step forward for me, and I couldn't be prouder of where I am and the journey I'm on this year. It's by no means over, I have such a long way to go with my weight still, and with continuing to work on the mental issues that have dragged me down and held me there for so many years - but every step forward is one that I am celebrating. None more so than this race.

Before race day, I was going back and forth over what my 'strategy' for the race would be. It was important to me that I beat my Half Marathon PB (which was 2:44:20), but I wasn't sure whether I should try to run the whole thing, or whether I should aim for a 'faster' result from run-walking. I still wasn't sure, standing in the start pen waiting for the race to commence! I'm not really sure of the moment in the race where I decided it was really important for me to not walk at all, but I know it was late, like at least 2 hours in, and I know that as soon as I did decide I would try, I knew I would make it. Sounds crazy - I've always been the Queen of Negative Self-Talk, but the inner voices were singing a different song on Sunday, and I guess that's one of the things I'm finding most overwhelming when reflecting back.

Amazing wee charm that Paula gave me, and I carried all race

I realise I'm not 'story-telling' very well in this post, I guess things just have to spill out of my head here and for that I apologise. It's daft, because I was actually composing parts of a blog post in my head during the race, but now I can't for the life of me remember what I was going to say!! I probably had a great section about how weather forecast fears came to absolutely nothing, and how we had almost perfect conditions during the race (so much so that I was actually overheating a little bit, and threw my favourite visor into the bin at about mile 5, just to get a little extra air to my face, lol). I might have come up with a wonderfully witty way to tell you about how I didn't see Julie C spectating and supporting where I hoped to, and when I did see her a mile or so further up the road, I was unfeasibly overjoyed for no real reason other than "I KNOW HER!!" running through my head. I might have come up with a story about shouting at or high-fiving marshals I knew - the awesome Sarah G, Spikey and JK in the early stages, and lovely Karen later on. I might have tried to describe the tearful well of excited emotion I felt when Fiona screamed and leapt excitedly across the road to cheer for me at around 12 miles I think, and I yelled back "I'M STILL RUNNING!" - It might have been the happiness I got seeing Gerry running in the marathon pass me on the other side of the road just as I was about to hit 13 miles, and the comical timing of us shouting each other's name out to the open roads in front of us just after we ran past one another. It might have been something about the amazing smiles and high-fives I got seeing Paula, then Adi, running on the switchbacks. It might have been something about how in some sections I tried to count how many people I overtook, and overtook me, but it became impossible because there were so many run-walkers I kept passing, who would pass me shortly afterwards again, and so on... while all the time I never stopped to walk once. It might have been about the people shouting out my name near the finish line (hi Carol!) when it took me a few seconds too long to realise I wasn't wearing my name on my shirt this time, so, err, that had been someone I knew... ;-)

Steady, and steadily slower lol. :-) All Run.

I probably drafted in my head a section of my blog post covering in great detail the mental struggles I had around 6 or 7 miles, trying to decide how far I would run before taking a quick walk break - it would have to be more than 6.22 miles, obviously, I told myself as I plodded along, watching my pace slowly (very slowly) decrease. I probably 'wrote' something about how my shoulders started to ache after about 8 miles, but if I leaned slightly forward to take the pressure off, my lower back would start to ache, and I thought constantly about how unfit and untrained I am to use my core for this period of time, and how I fervently promised myself I would return to the gym and work so much harder on developing my core strength, and working on my shoulders. I might have 'written' my thoughts on my panic around my energy levels after 9 miles, and how I didn't dare take a gel from the race crew because I've never used gels before, and you hear such stories... but how trying to chew a bit of the small 'nakd' raw fruit/nut bar just dried my mouth out, and I felt panicky I wouldn't have enough energy - so much so that when there was a lady with a tray of jelly babies at around 11½ miles, I didn't dare go across to her, because the other side of the half of the road we were on seemed a long way to go and a waste of valuable energy. I might have covered something about turning into a headwind at the 11.2-ish mile point, and the sinking feeling of knowing the remaining 2 miles of the race were going to be even tougher than anything that had come before.

The part of the blog post that I didn't mentally draft on the day was how it felt crossing the finish line, hitting stop on my Garmin, and looking down to see 2:33:57. 10 minutes and 23 seconds taken off my PB. 12 minutes and 34 minutes faster than my previous course PB. 16 minutes and 37 seconds faster than Alloa eleven weeks ago. Eleven weeks ago, I was stunned and absolutely thrilled to finish a half marathon in 2:50:34 - and rightly so, because it showed a HUGE step forward from the beginning of the year, and that day had been a striking difference in how I speak to myself during a race. It was a big milestone. And 11 weeks later? That milestone hasn't just been beaten, it's been smashed to gravel. I've done it. I believed in myself, and I got it done. And all I can think right now, is: what's next?

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Paula, Adi and I, all done. :-)

Moments after crossing the finish line, Paula was there to greet me, hug me, and allow me to be emotional. She helped me stumble forward to pick up my medal and goody bag, then as I went over to collect the bag I'd dropped off that morning she waited for her sister Adi to finish. The three of us then headed off to my car, which I'd sneakily parked in Musselburgh the day before (best idea ever), and drove home. My aching shoulders and lower back were gone, but my legs were tired and stiffening up, and I stalled the car three times on the drive home, for failing to keep clutch control! Once home, I showered quickly (and blissfully), and waited for Davie and Julie to arrive. I know they'd know how much this result means to me, and I was showing Davie my Garmin trace (and showing off, lol), within moments. The three of us headed out for lunch, meeting back up with Paula, Adi, and Julia who was over from Houston to join Paula and the girls from the online running forum I was once in for the weekend. The 6 of us stuffed ourselves silly with burgers, chips, and hilarious chat and laughter, for a couple of wonderfully relaxed and fun hours. Afterwards, home alone, I lay down and stared at the ceiling for a bit, trying to take it all in. "I should blog about these feelings..." I thought.

But no way could be found to put those feelings into words.