All in the mind.

So, I ran the Southside Six - well, I ran bits of it. I walked a hell of a lot of it... but I got to the end. It was not the race I wanted it to be, by any stretch of the imagination (it was the slowest I've ever ran, be it racing or in training... not ideal for a race!), and sadly right from the outset I was way out at the back, with only the tailrunner for company, and not another soul in sight. As tough as it was, I smiled and thanked every single marshal and volunteer we passed, but every time my smile dropped again as the tailrunner announced to them that we were the last ones through. I heard the word 'last' a lot during the race - and while I manage the shorter parkrun type distances in last place without a hitch, running a 16 mile race (actually 15.5-ish this year) is a different kettle of fish. I'll be honest, I started in a poor frame of mind, and it was never going to change. I've been in a poor frame of mind for a while, actually, and hadn't even done any training runs in the 3 weeks leading up to race day. It was the longest I've ever ran, I was undertrained, not been sleeping well for a while, and I have just gained a lot of weight in a very short time - it was never going to go my way. So, without dwelling too much, I'll say I'm very proud I finished, but I learned a few lessons, and will be structuring 2014's goals and training completely differently. Plus, I'm going to stop putting pressure on myself to achieve things simply because I think others want me to - if that makes sense? My goals need to be personal, meaningful, and motivational.

Firstly, though, I have to get this weight gain reversed. It's lunchtime at work and I'm eating celery sticks with a tub of homemade mackeral pate (yum) - but I'm not sure it's going to fill me up. I have to sort out my mindset, and things will be easier. I talked at the weekend with Paula, who came up to support me, and we agreed we need to be stricter with our food intake and exercise for a while. I have to figure out a balance, because putting too much pressure on myself isn't helping.

I could write a lot more about the race, but I think it's best to keep positive and try to move forward in a meaningful way. I've thought a lot about it, and there's so much to learn from it. Importantly, though, it cannot be underestimated what the support of my friends on the day meant to me - both in terms of those who turned up to cheer and yell (even Ian, who it must have killed to be so nice to me, hahaha - he even waited til after he congratulated me, and gave me a big hug, to whisper "whit kept ye?" in my ear, lol!) and those who texted me and otherwise kept me in their thoughts. I'd had a two-week break from facebook because things were just getting a bit overwhelming in general (work, life, weight, and everything in my head, etc), I needed a little break, and I waste too much time worrying what people think about me; plus I didn't want a big scary build-up to race day (well, any scarier than I was already making it myself). Stepping back a bit can make you appreciate the people in your life a wee bit more, and also help you take some deep breaths and refocus yourself.

Not to gloss over it, but the race was probably the worst I've ran, but an amazing reminder of who and what is important to me, and what I'm really capable of. I can post here now, after a few days of reflection (and some tears), knowing I can move forward now. My race time, and disappointment with what happened, on Sunday was directly a result of what goes on in my head, rather than anything physical - so it's time to really try and get that cracked. I have no idea how, right now, but I can only believe it will happen. After all, I'm often heard to say I'm a "Work In Progress", and a key word of that is Progress. :) I'll get there, I really will - and I know I have some amazing people around me on my ongoing journey, be it those who turn up at points along the path cheering me on, or those who journey alongside me and put their arm around me when I wobble.