Slow down, world....

Long-term readers will know it’s not all positivity, sweetness and light in my head; the issues that got me to being 17 stone in weight haven’t gone away, although I’m dealing with them a lot better these days, and chipping away at lots of them. Despite being almost 12 stone now, with a wee bit of a way to go to get to target, it can be hard for me to appreciate what I’ve achieved to date, and to give myself credit for it. Sometimes, the pace of change in my lifestyle scares me – admittedly I’ve lost the 5 stone very slowly, it’s taken me 40 months of sllloooow progress to get to this point, but last year things started to change in my mindset, and my approach to fitness, and despite everything I achieved last year that I had never dreamt possible, this year feels ever more major.

Last year, I walked the Moonwalk marathon, ran a 5km parkrun in under 35 mins, went to beginner swimming lessons and got over some pretty major mental barriers to get in the pool, ran a half marathon (in under 3 hours), started (and stuck with!) indoor rock climbing (!!!), kept up a great gym schedule despite leaving my personal trainer to go it alone, crossed through some major mental issues by doing things like wearing sleeveless tops in public or binning the full-length gym trousers in favour of lycra knee-length capri pants, and – with only a minimal amount of whinging and complaining – climbed my first Munro (Ben Lomond)… This year, more mental barriers have been broken down, and new experiences made – running with a group, trail running, running up hills (or parts of hills, lol) instead of just panicking and immediately walking, returning to swimming lessons and managing to swim a full length on my back for the first time and also learning front crawl, swimming over 1km for the first time ever, and so on...!

Sunday will be my first proper race of 2013 (I did a 5km in the first couple of days of January, but that really doesn’t count, lol) – it’s a 10km race that I did last year and despite what I’ve been telling myself and other people about how I don’t really mind how to I do this year, it’s not my main focus races this year and so on, I’ve started to think I could be on for a PB if I push myself and maybe it could be quite a big result for me. However, the bigger results happen after I cross that finish line, because after this 10km, the three races I’m signed up for are two half marathons and a 16 mile race that I will freely admit is scaring me something chronic. Also, after this weekend, I start to think about the epic summer of supporting other amazing, inspirational friends in their events, and doing big new things again for me, such as running a small (very small, lol!) part of the West Highland Way, and climbing another big hill (munro-bagging). Along the way, there will be other ‘firsts’ – I’m going to learn how to play squash (!!!!), I will hopefully get closer and closer to that 30 minute 5km, and I will – WILL – figure out how to ignore my whinging brain when it wants to walk after only a mile or so of running. Plus, I’ll drop more weight – with a bit of serious focus, I might even hit target. And, come October, there’s a small chance I’ll get a life-changing email from the ballot guys at the London Marathon. *panic* Over the course of this year, I have to get to a stage where I can run a 16 mile race in November, and meet the seemingly impossible goals I’ve set myself (to run it under 3 hours, and to smile while I’m doing it….) …and then, December will be my first attempt at Marcothon, a challenge where you run at least 25 minutes or 3 miles every day for the whole of December. December!!! I’m a fair-weather runner! ...it’s a rather daunting year, and everything is moving SO fast!!!! And yesterday, I found myself out of nowhere questioning whether I’m up to the challenge. What if I’m not?

What happened differently yesterday, to every other time when a crisis of confidence or a feeling of being overwhelmed hits me, is that I reached out. And it hit me sooo hard, realising that I’ve been quietly (or not so quietly) surrounding myself with the right people, and people who, despite not really knowing me much at all, seem to actually care. I seem to have the support of some really amazing people. And then it hit me, as crazy as it sounds, maybe I’m worth supporting. I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of insight. .....I went to bed very, very early with damp eyes, a headache, and a smile. :)