Use it Or Lose It

Earlier this week, I was doing flat bench dumbbell presses in the gym, and was handed a pair of 10kgs dumbbells. I calculated in my head this would be tough for me, and lo and behold I couldn’t even manage to push one rep out. I was given two 8’s instead, and managed a couple of sets of 10 reps. The trainer pointed out that I’d managed full sets with two 10’s back in July, and even managed 4 reps with two 12kgs dumbbells, which really surprised me at the time. On thinking about it afterwards (somewhat obsessively for a couple of days) I realised that I have no right to be surprised. When have I done any bench presses over the past 6 months? Or indeed (apart from that one time in July) over the past couple of years? I haven’t. I was so proud of myself after the one-rep max effort I did in March 2013, when I realised I’d lost 30kgs in weight, so had a go bench pressing it, and I know it makes me feel strong and powerful when I lift well, so why aren’t I doing more of it?

Well, I guess partly it comes down to what happened late in 2013, when my weight started going back on. I’d lost 30kgs so far at that point, but I think I gained about 11kgs over the last 3 months of 2013, and over the whole of 2014 to date gained another 3kgs – so when I was confidently (ha) lifting well, I was 13-14kgs lighter (over 2 stones) and losing weight fairly consistently as well. My head was in a different place, and I was excitedly meeting new people in the running world and expanding my life in ways I’d never have dreamt. Most of 2013 was an incredible time for me. The last 12 months have been entirely different. I’ve been in a real slump, emotionally, mentally, physically, and while I can definitely point some fingers, I have to take the responsibility for being where I am, and for not being strong enough to step out from the shadows. “Use It Or Lose It”, I called the post, after the whole ‘if you’re not exercising a set of muscles, don’t be surprised when they can’t perform at the same level any more’ – but hey, the same goes for the emotional side. While I was losing weight, tracking my gym work and regularly noting my improvements, and giving myself credit for what I was achieving, I was flying. The moment I stop talking to myself in that way, writing down achievements, and losing weight, I slumped to earth.

This last week or two, I’ve reminded myself what I love about lifting weights. I’d hesitate to say it’s been eye-opening, but it’s definitely given me something to think about. I think in my head I’ve already written off 2014, and started putting the whole year behind me – I know there are still a couple of months left, and I need to use them to get myself in a place where I’m 100% ready to smash 2015 out of the park. The new gym I’ve started attending is large and well-stocked, and because of its size and layout it doesn’t seem to suffer from the usual ‘testosterone corner’ situation that I find intimidating in smaller gym floors – I’m going there for lifting, for weights and resistance work, and I'll stick to the other branch nearer my office for cardio sessions, where I’ll mix endurance sessions with tabata/intervals work, on the cardio machines, such as the treadmill and rower. I'm most definitely starting tracking properly - I need to train my self-esteem 'muscles' to grow, just as much as any of the other muscles. I need to remind myself what I'm capable of, and pick myself up from what's been a tough 12 months. More than anything, I'd love it if this blog started being about some real achievements, again, rather than entirely filled with posts about other people's awesomeness, or posts naval-gazing about what I'm doing wrong!! I'm on it. x