Why am I soft in the middle?

That line from the song "You can call me Al" has been ringing loudly in my ears for a few days - "Why am I soft in the middle, the rest of my life is so hard?" - my life's not hard, don't get me wrong, but the core concept of being "soft in the middle" is a bit of an issue. Soft, weak-willed, backing down at the bigger challenges... But, more fundamentally, I am putting weight on. Still. Yesterday was a shocker - I put my nice work trousers on, they fastened and the zipper pulled up but stretched badly over my stomach, and the waistband felt uncomfortably tight and digging in a bit. I ummed and ahhed about changing them, but as I've been dropping the weight, I've been throwing out (or donating to charity) my bigger clothes, for just this reason. I would have so very easily just put a pair of bigger trousers on yesterday, weakly 'accepting' the smaller trousers were a bit too tight. From there, it's a slippery slope.

I wore the tight trousers to work all day, and by the time I got home, the stitching around the zip was coming loose with the strain it had been under during the day. With a heavy heart, I threw them in the pile of clothes that need a minor repair doing, and pulled on a pair of baggy pyjamas with elasticated waist. I thought about the choices I had made at work that day - I bought cakes for colleages to celebrate my promotion, and I definitely ate more than my share. I had gone out at lunchtime to get a stamp and send my Grandma's birthday card, and had driven the 10 minute walk to the post office, and then gone into the butchers for a pie for lunch. Only, I was a wee embarrassed at the thought of asking for 1 small pie from a window display of over 100 pies, so I got 2. And ate them. Then I popped into the shop across the road, as I needed to buy sellotape, and while I was in the queue I noticed the big bags of liquorice allsorts are on offer, and I reasoned that I would be sitting in the car driving for over 5 hours on Saturday, so I bought the sweets. Of course, I'd eaten them all by the time I got home last night... Soft in the middle, I do not have the courage of my convictions, and the willpower to do the right thing.

I stepped on the scales this morning, and as soon as I saw them registering over 81kgs, I stepped straight back off (my brain didn't even take a proper note of what was after the decimal point - it could have be 0, it could have been 8, for all I know). I refused to note it down on the notepad I keep next to my scales. I'll record tomorrow's weight instead. This is all Not Very Good. I am no longer someone who's lost 5 stone, I've someone who lost 5 stone then put almost 1 stone straight back on. Whoa..... no way can this continue. I need to be the person who lost SEVEN stone. And now, stupidly, instead of having a couple of stone to lose to get to a 'healthy' weight, I have three.

On a more positive 'soft in the middle' note, my personal training session on Wednesday morning was a core strength workout, focussing mostly on my abs and obliques. It was tough going, but I honestly believe my strength in my core muscles is improving, which is pretty gratifying. Although my balance is stll poor, it's definitely improving, and the session this week included doing cable twists while stood on a Bosu ball, plus a lot of cable work focussing on my upper abs. There was some other work, things like planks, and side planks, standing side crunches (I can't think how best to explain an exercise which involves holding a 20kg plate to one side, and leaning over sideways and back up, kinda like a "I'm a little teapot" dance, or picking up a heavy bag of shopping by leaning to the side, lol...) and a hundred Russian twists with a 6kg ball to finish. I am quite pleased to notice that other than a little light ache last night, I haven't got a lot of delayed muscle soreness, so I think I'm definitely getting stronger.

Wednesday evening I went for a run with Helen and Bob, the same 5 mile loop as last week. I ran even more of it than last week, stopping to walk only very briefly twice, to cross roads. And it rained. And I kept going.... Apparently I don't melt in the rain, who knew? Nah, in all seriousness, I was pleased with the run. It was slow, yes, (around the same pace as last week) but it was steady enough, and I managed to overcome starting off feeling a bit over-anxious and wide-eyed, to being able to keep a steady comfortable pace going. I would have quit has I been on my own. Well, I say 'comfortable', lol! I mean slightly less uncomfortable than the first bit... It was a pretty good run, though, and my knee was fine throughout - only felt any niggle from it when I actually stopped running at the end!

I really need to address my overeating, though. I keep saying it, but yesterday's choices and discomfort was a new wake-up call. It's time to focus on food.