Looking for a bit of structure

So, after my last couple of blog posts, I got a bit of an emotional kicking from two close friends on Tuesday; one was saying I need to properly focus and structure my training, and get over the mental barriers I put up, and the other saying I need to believe in myself the way others believe in me and stop putting these barriers up in the first place. Both of them were saying this stuff from the heart, and not being horrible in the way they were telling me, but it was akin to being battered about the head with a brick all day. (Albeit a brick painted pink, with pretty stickers all over it.) It's tough - you know?? If I knew how to stop doing these things I do to myself, I would. If I knew how to get a better opinion of myself, I would. Sadly, all I can do is keep plodding along, trying to put more cracks in those walls, trying to chip away at the insecurities, bit by tiny bit, until - eventually - all the walls will crash down. So I do.... new things. I have overcome some huge mental hurdles over the past year, at the age of 35, to wear a swimming costume, and to start beginner swimming lessons. I overcame mental barriers to climb my first munro, to sign up for and run my first half marathon (despite not being able to mentally run more than 2 miles without walking at the time), to do my first trail run, my first social run with other people, my first hill run (which, hahaha, was the Devil's Staircase! I do't do things by halves, apparently...), my first indoor rock climbing, my first attempt at bouldering (very shortlived), and more..... All of these thngs chip away at those walls, but sadly they were all pretty huge and thick and anicent to begin with, so I'm still very much a work in progress, and some days are more difficult to deal with than others.

By the time I finished work on Tuesday, I was feeling raw and on the edge of tears, so I thought going home to the same old empty flat would be a poor idea. I had my running gear in the car, and my garmin in my bag, so I got changed in the toilets at work, and drove to Cramond for a run along the seafront.

I had been told to follow proper structure in my runs, and I am fairly sick of telling myself (and others) that 'something in my brain stops me' from following a set plan in a run. So, the overriding objective of Tuesday evening's run was to set a programme on my Garmin, and just follow it! (Hence having picked a very long flat course with no cars, and road junctions, etc.) I set a basic training loop - after a 5 minute gentle warm up run, I would walk for 90 seconds, run for 1km, and repeat those two steps 4 more times, then finish with a 5 minute cool-down. I programmed the watch for the 1km runs as keeping a target pace between 11 and 12 minute miles, and off I went.

The first walk interal took me my surprise, but I immediately stopped the slow run I'd been doing, as instructed. 90 seconds passed quickly, and the watch beeped to tell me the first 1km run was on. So, off I went, slightly speeding up from the first jog, but a glance at my pace told me I was starting a wee bit too fast, around 11:10 minutes per mile pace. So I slowed, and manged the whole first km at an average pace of 11:52. Perfect. I walked again, then ran when it beeped, and on I went, though the intervals as programmed. The fourth 1km run was mentally the hardest - after only 2 minutes I wanted to walk, but I HAD to follow the rules, so I kept running. It was by far the most difficult part of the workout, and I kept getting told to speed up by my watch as I was outside the 12 minute mile pace, but I managed to finish the km with an average pace of 11:58...! In the 90 second walk, I dreaded the last 1km run, but as it beeped, I got going. I knew I just had to get through this, and a short cooldown, to be done, so I pushed myself to get through the km faster, and although it was a struggle, the end of the 1km came sooner than I expected. After a short cooldown, I had completed the workout exactly to plan. Very gratifying, but mentally tough at the time. I need to keep pushing myself on this sort of session, to drive home the point, I think.

The next morning, I asked my personal trainer for a 'strategy session' instead of our usual gym sesh, to work out a proper structured run programme that I can use to help me (a) overcome mental barriers, and (b) become a better runner. We spent 45 minutes or so talking it through, and he developed two sessions to complement each other each week, leaving a third 'long run' session to me, and I guess any social running to be done on top of these workouts. On paper, they look incredibly challenging, and I'm more than a wee bit daunted to do my first, but I think it will be Sunday afternoon. Today (Thursday) is a rest day, as yesterday was, and tomorrow is my long run after work - 10 miles or so, with friends this time. It amuses me that 10 miles is my OMG THIS IS SOOOOOO FAR long run, that I'll struggle with, and for the other two, this is their gentle 10 mile recovery-type run following their 43 mile ultra race at the weekend... :) All three of us are content for it to be sloooooooow, thank goodness! :) Saturday may have a wee gentle social run, or may not, and then after Sunday I'll write more about the planned tough run workout after my first attempt.... (If I survive.)