Wake up call

It's funny, isn't it, how complacency can sneak in even when keeping a blog and keeping company with runners, etc..? In short, I've been losing focus on my weight, and although I've been mentioning it on and off here for a while, with the throwaway "I need to start eating better", or "I need to stop eating junk", comments, it's been far too easy to kind of 'forget' about it. I step on the scales every morning, and I look at the number, and it doesn't really resonate with me, but the truth is, I'm gaining weight, and if I don't do something about it, it'll all go back on.... And I'm petrified.

This comparison shot is titled "58lbs 22 months" - which means that it was taken in late October 2011, when I weighed 180lbs, having lost, obviously, 58lbs in less than 2 years. I was well on my way towards my target. For my goals, I still had about 40lbs to lose, but it was going bloody great. I was focussed, I was proud, I was happy. It is now late August 2013, and on the scales this morning I weighed 179 lbs. The "58lbs 22 months" has changed to 59lbs 44 months. Or, rather, in the FIRST 22 months of weightloss I lost 58lbs, in the next 22 months I lost... 1 lb.

That would be great if I was at the weight I wanted to be at - and even taking the 'weight' consideration away, if I was the shape, size, and comfort with my body that I wanted to be at. I am not. I have lost sight of what I want to achieve, and I have lost focus. And this picture was taken on Saturday, as I ran down the finish straight at Falkirk Parkrun. It has been a bit of a wake-up call. I do not want to be this shape. I don't want to be plodding in at the back of the field, red-faced, out of breath, and the same shape and size I was 2 years ago. How many miles have I ran in that time? How many weights have I lifted? How many new challenges have I made myself do? How many amazing new people have I filled with my life with??? And with all of that, why do I still eat so very badly?? Why am I sabotaging every effort I make, for the sake of a 6-pack of doughnuts eaten before leaving the supermarket carpark? For the sake of chips in the office canteen 3 or 4 times a week? For the sake of fried bacon in white rolls, chocolate bars to see the afternoon through, fresh cream eclairs to comfort myself after a bad run?? And why, despite knowing every single time I eat something like this that it's the wrong decision, do I eat it anyway?

Many of you won't know that I lost about 4 stone back in 2005, and then gained 6 stone back in the subsequent 3 or 4 years. It was not an emotionally healthy time. My underlying fear has always been that I'll lose all this weight that I'm losing now, and gain it all back plus more. For a 5'3" lassie, the prospect of returning to being 17 stone in weight, and then gaining more, is beyond comprehension. I have yo-yo'd around my weight for so many years, and it's not healthy. I hate to think what my lifestyle is doing to my insides, and my life expectancy... The fear of failure sometimes, I find, leads to procrastination and panic, and crazy self-sabotage that seems to come from nowhere. Perhaps my subconcious got scared by people telling me how great I was doing, by the comparison pictures I was taking, and the life I was starting to make for myself. It's "easier" being fat and alone than being slim and alone, because then you have an excuse to hide behind.

The famous personal trainer Jillian Michaels once wrote the following: "Whenever you’re making an important decision, first ask if it gets you closer to your goals or farther away. If the answer is closer, pull the trigger. If it's farther away, make a different choice. Conscious choice making is a critical step in making your dreams a reality." - it's words I need to start living by.

Sunday, i had a slow plodding difficult 'long run' for my HM training, and I thought a lot about this while I was out there. It's been a wake-up call. I have lost sight of my goals, and I stopped filling in my paper training journal months ago - I've lost sight of appreciating my achievements, and using them to spur me on. I've lost sight of my goals, and my dreams. I have become complacent. It's time to wake up. This is my "on my way" photo comparison shot; it's incomplete, and it's time to work on getting it finished. x

(My next post will be positive and upbeat, btw, I promise. I'm not dwelling on this and getting down about it, because I've got to face up to the fact that I AM doing things about it - my exercise, my challenges, the amazing people I have surrounded myself with - there are so many things to stand back and be proud about. The complacency has to end, though.)