I don't want to face this, but I learned many moons ago in a Marketing course that what people want and what they need isn't always the same thing...
What does it show? Well, that's 57 weeks. In the first 25 weeks of last year I lost 47lbs. In the following 32 weeks I gained 36lbs. The gain shows no sign of stopping - if I let it continue at this same rate, in 10 weeks' time I'll be back at the weight I was in Jan 2015, and part of me will forever berate myself for wasting the opportunity that 2015 presented. And so begin the mindgames. The blame. The disgust. The sad acceptance that everything positive I've been telling myself over the last year was wrong. And now the fightback feels weaker, feels like David going up against Goliath. And in exactly the same vein, if I want to win this one, I've got to be smarter.
My post was originally titled 'all in the mind' because of what happened shortly before my lunchbreak today. I was working at my desk, and the morning was passing by relatively unnoticed. When I noticed the time, I thought to myself "I'll go for a walk, as long as my foot feels okay." The moment that thought formed itself, and I flexed my toes, my foot began to quietly ache. It had been absolutely fine all morning - but in thinking about the injury, the soreness appeared. I'm not saying for one second that my foot injury is imaginary - it definitely isn't - but I think sometimes focussing on something can make it seem so much worse, and so much more insurmountable, than when you were just getting on with life.
I lose weight quite successfully when I focus on what I'm doing, but not when I focus on why. If I do that, it all overwhelms me, and I start self-sabotage. But I can't ignore it - as the growing painful red welts pressing into the skin around my too-tight waistbands reminds me. And yet I still overeat, and I still do little exercise. Plantar fasciitis, and associated knee pain, is an excuse that will get me so far. It's time to face up to what I'm doing to myself, and deal with the inner demons for good.
I know I can do this, I know how to do this, and I know I'm worth the effort. ...don't I? Do I believe that last bit? I think - when all's said and done - that's where I need to start.
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas." - TS Eliot
I think being honest even if it's uncomfortable is a helpful, the graph shows what has happened in black and white. Look how consistent that weight loss was, that's incredible - that's what you are capable of when you put your mind to it.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious what helped you get into the mind frame you were in for the first half of last year? What changed things July? The graph shoes a step change - not just a gentle transition from weight loss to weight gain, but at a V shape.
Is there a chance that the weight loss what just a bit too steep, requiring too much will power to continue, or perhaps your body just got a bit low on some stores minerals/vitamins that your body started to rebel?
Could it be something like your gut microbiome getting out of healthy balance in July which in turn started you craving the wrong types of foods? Binging a little often on something like cakes might be a trigger for over-growth of bad bacteria. The BBC's Trust Me I'm a Doctor series had an interesting section on this:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p03gqssd
Other research has pointed to the gut microbiome changing moods to get you to eat more of the types of foods they thrive on.
So... it might not be all the mind at all, partly there, but don't discount the gut having a mind of it's own too.