Trying to run away from the negative self-talk

Writing up my race report for the West Highland Way Race, which I posted yesterday, I’m prompted to write about my own running. There were times over the weekend where I found myself explaining that I wasn’t really a 'runner' myself, moments of feeling a little out of place amid so many amazing runners, and it always inspires me to be more than I am. Yes, I run, therefore I'm a runner, but really? I want to be a runner, a proper one, one who can comfortably just go out for a 4 or 5 mile run without any walk breaks, for example, or one who could have ran with Amanda on one of her 10 mile legs during the race. I just have yet to figure out what’s really stopping me. It’s something deep inside me – some part of me that feels like I don’t deserve to succeed at that, that finds it simpler to stop the very moment something becomes difficult, the bit of me that doesn’t want to be proud of myself. Sitting in the pub on Sunday evening after the prize-giving ceremony, I got a wee lecture from Jo Rae – “you have to give yourself a break! Be kind to yourself!!” – and a very similar one a short time later from an emotional Fiona Rennie, whose concern for me blew me away after the day she'd had (collecting her 10th WHW Race finishers' goblet, after all she's been through to get there). How's that for a wake-up call?! It’s not a new thing, people have been telling me this for a year or two now, and it makes a tonne of sense. But I don’t do it. Deep down, something inside doesn’t think I’m worth it, and regardless of my intentions when I lace up my shoes for a run, I sabotage myself within the first 30 seconds, when the negative self-talk starts, and I listen.

Things are changing. Slowly, very very slowly, things are changing. I can’t seem to locate the same belief in myself that others have, but I’ve been testing the psychological theory behind ‘fake it til you make it’, and if I can continue to work on that, then the world’s my oyster. If I celebrate what I achieve, whether I believe it or not, the process of congratulating myself releases those endorphins, or whatever it is, and over time, I’ll start to actually seriously mean it. That’s how the theory goes!! The self-sabotage continues, but what’s good is I’m noticing it happening a lot sooner than I might normally do, and can try to stop it in its tracks. Take my step count, for example – since getting the fitbit zip 2 months ago, I’ve dramatically changed my daily routines, and started walking a lot more. I set the initial target of 10,000 steps a day, and found I was managing that relatively easily (as long as I made sure to get a lunchtime walk done) – indeed, after 2 months, I was thrilled to see my daily average was over 15,000 steps a day!! That’s a huge change in my lifestyle, and I was pleased. Really pleased. So six days ago, I did what normal people do, and upped my target from 10,000 steps a day to 14,000 steps a day, to make sure I kept my activity levels up. I was buzzing, and allowing myself a little pride about changing my habits so well. And then look what happened…



Yep, I immediately got sedentary. Well, not sedentary, but my step count lowered significantly day by day, to the extent that on Tuesday I walked less than 4,000 steps, my lowest in over 2½ months!! I had driven to work, not left my desk at lunchtime, and driven home. Had I not noticed what I was doing, I would have quickly slipped back into old habits, and the pedometer would have become another chain around my neck, dragging me down, whispering those things that I say to myself deep down. This time, though, I noticed and did something about it. Yesterday, the next day that would follow on that chart, I walked over 13,000 steps. Today, I’m on track to beat my 14,000 target. So, while it’s true I’m still not terribly happy with things, I think there’s improvements in my thinking, and the way I react to things, and hopefully progress can continue.

So, for whatever reason, my running is currently still the same level it’s been all year, as in, worse quality (in terms of speed and length of time running before I walk) than when I even first began learning how to run. I’ve never been as bad a runner as I am now, and yet… and yet. And yet I spent the weekend with so many positive, inspirational people, many of whom believe in me, so I can’t turn my back on this. I have the Clyde Stride relay coming up in about 14 weeks or less, and I need to be comfortably able to manage approximately 10 miles, without being soooo far at the back of the pack that they shut the checkpoint up and go home for their lunch, before I get there to handover to my team-mate. So what will be happening between now and then? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, running. Running will be happening. I’m support crewing at two ultra marathons, the Devil o’ the Highlands, and Glenmore 24, and also said I would run one of Fiona Rennie’s 4-mile laps with her at the latter (eek! no pressure!) – but other than that, I’m putting myself first, and this summer is all about learning to look after myself properly, body and mind. I'm going to learn to beat that inner negative self-talk once and for all. And I just bought another pair of trainers, to financially remind myself I’m not giving up on this, I'm not giving up on myself. I tested my knee this morning in a very short run before work, after it had kind of gently buckled a bit last week when I tried to go for a run, and it’s fine, so – onwards, upwards, forwards, and… well, I just searched ‘words ending in wards’ on the net, to see how I could end that rallying cry, and one option was selfwards. That’ll do. :-)